On one hand, it’s nice that this is the sixth and final episode … on the other, I didn’t start doing these reviews at the beginning sooooo fuck me right?
Haha see you losers back here for the next two episodes because this is the miniseries that never ends! (It just goes on and on my friend! Some Darcy started swimming in it, not knowin what it was, and I’ll just keep on writin forever just because…)
Jesus I really have lost it.
And stop looking at me like that.
(You know what I’m just gonna say it. That embroidery isn’t even good.)
So Mrs. Bennet is super stoked that Lydia’s hitched, conveniently forgetting the life-ruining circumstances that predicated this “happy” day and the fact that Lydia is about to legally bind herself to an abusive, morally bankrupt kidnapper.
She wants the wedding to be held in Meryton, but Lizzy points out that’s bonkers — this has to be hushed up and it’s better for everyone if Lydia comes back with a ring on her finger.
Meanwhile, Mr. Bennet is staring out a window wistfully, wondering what his life would have turned out like if only Mary had been a boy.
Lizzy pumps her dad for some more information and finds out that there’s no way this all went down for less than ~£10,000.
She also gets the full story of why her parents didn’t save any money — they gambled it all on having a son.
Now, lest we judge them too harshly, the chances of having five girls in one family is like, 6%. It’s possible, but highly improbable.
Ah well, Mr. Bennet says he’ll be saving some money now that Lydia will be spending Wickham’s cash instead of his. (Though I think he’s fooling himself if he thinks the Wickhams won’t be coming around asking for loans all the time.)
It seems as though Mr. Bennet has learned a lesson — at the expense of his youngest daughter.
We jump to London, and Lydia (wearing bridal white for some reason, though that wouldn’t become a wedding tradition for another 40ish years…) gets out of a carriage on the arm on her Uncle Gardiner. Inside the church, Wickham stands to greet his bride, and behind him, Darcy’s holding a shotgun.
I jest — but he might as well be.
Lydia wants to know where everyone is. She wants the whole of London to see her triumph. Ah, yes darling, because a dumb little girl marrying an even dumber soldier is such a rare accomplishment.
As the priest intones the marriage vows, the Gardiners and Darcy look like they’re attending a funeral. Wickham looks like he’s a squirmy little rat caught in a trap and Lydia looks like she finally realized the gravity of the whole farcical ceremony.
Uncle Gardiner, in a voiceover letter to Mr. Bennet, explains that Wickham is to leave the militia and his “friends” have helped him purchase a commission in a northern regiment.
(For the record, the price of a commission varied, but we can safely assume it was anywhere from about £800 to £1,500.)
Gee. I wonder who paid for that.
Back at Longbourn, Mrs. Bennet insists the couple must visit before the go north and Mr. Bennet firmly tells her they will never be accepted at his home.
So in the next shot, the Wickhams arrive at Longbourn.
Mr. Wickham can’t even look Lizzy in the eye for more than a few seconds, lest he lose his eyesight in the burning power of her glare.
Lydia, rubbing salt in everyone’s wounds, reminds her eldest sister Jane that she must walk behind her, as an unmarried woman’s deference to a married one.
Somehow, Jane and Lizzy manage to keep their hands at their sides.
The girls go for a walk while Wickham shows off on a horse, bouncing around them like Buffalo Bill. Meanwhile, Lydia’s waxing poetic about her amazing new husband, and how terrible it was that no one could be at the wedding except her aunt, uncle and Mr. Darcy.
Whoa wait hold up a goddamn sec. Darcy was at your wedding? Lizzy asks.
Oh dear. Lydia wasn’t supposed to let that slip. I suppose Darcy couldn’t have possibly seen that one coming, when he swore the notoriously blabber-mouthed teen-who-had-to-be-coerced-into-a-shotgun-wedding to secrecy. Good plan, Darcy!
Lizzy is.. confused.
She writes a letter to Aunt Gardiner, who writes back and happily unloads the secret Darcy swore her to as well, which is that he arranged the whole marriage and saved the Bennet family from ruin — and then had the temerity to force Mr. Gardiner to take the credit.
Apparently, Darcy blames himself for everything Wickham has done since he failed to expose him after he tried the same stunt with Georgiana. Again, I think we’re forgetting here that to make it public would have spelt disaster for Georgiana… but I suppose Darcy could have made sure Wickham got his ass canceled another way.
Wickham gets one more chance to start up the lie factory, and Lizzy messes with his mind a little — while telling him in no uncertain terms that she sees him. And this little game he’s been playing? This game is O-V-E-R.
So long and farewell Wickhams. Hopefully you won’t breed, but I doubt the world be so lucky.
All is back to rights at Longbourn. Jane and Lizzy go for a walk, Mary sits at her piano, and Kitty fusses with a new hat. Mrs. Bennet lazes upon her bed and Mr. Bennet reads a good book.
Well … not quite right.
🎶🎶GUESS WHO JUST GOT BACK TODAY🎶🎶
🎶🎶THEM WILD-EYED BOYS THAT HAD BEEN AWAY🎶🎶
🎶🎶HAVEN’T CHANGED THAT MUCH TO SAY🎶🎶
🎶🎶BUT MAN I STILL THINK THEM CATS ARE CRAZY🎶🎶
That’s right, Bingley is back and Jane … DOES. NOT. CARE.
Or, at least, she says she doesn’t. Lizzy ain’t buyin’ it. It’s been three days now and Mrs. Bennet needs something new to lose her shit over so she chooses Bingley, of course.
But I shit you not, that’s the exact moment Bingley shows up riding a goddamn white horse.
Everyone knows what he’s there for, and while no one but Lizzy is happy to see Darcy, EVERYONE is happy to see Bingley.
Lizzy and Darcy trade awkward, hopeful glances across the room, which at this point, pretty much constitutes their entire courtship.
Lizzy tried to salvage the conversation from her mother’s babbling and then it’s Jane and Bingley’s turn to trade longing looks.
The boys leave, without a proposal, which sort of confuses everyone?
Jane is still insisting that they’re “common and indifferent acquaintances” which Lizzy just laughs at, knowingly.
At Netherfield, Darcy gets ready to head back to town but before he does, he tells Bingley the whole story — which includes the information that Jane is, and always has been, desperately in love with Bingley and he should GO GET THE GIRL.
Bingley, to his credit, does just that.
The whole Bennet household is in a whirl — but none so much as Mama Bennet who attempts to erase her younger daughters from the equation by hook or by crook. And by hook, I mean making the most blatantly obvious excuses to talk with them outside; and by crook, I mean wink the hardest wink that has ever been winked since the age of winks be-winked.
Finally, Lizzy gives in to her mother’s scheming and leaves her sister and Bingley alone, though she knows Jane would prefer she stay.
She sneaks back down to the drawing room, and interrupts the lovers standing suspiciously close to one another at the mantel.
Bingley has proposed! The Bennet family is saved from destitution and Jane is elated and in love. Good! The poor thing deserves some happiness after the year she’s had.
Lizzy is happy for her sister but is still super confused at Darcy’s appearance at Longbourn, and why he helped with the Lydia Issue. Is there a chance…?
Jane wants to see Lizzy as happy as she is, but Lizzy insists that Jane deserves all the happiness in the world and perhaps — if she’s very lucky — she’ll meet another Mr. Collins.
An enormous carriage arrives bearing Lady Catherine, who all but drags Lizzy out to the garden for the Spanish Inquisition 2: Electric Boogaloo.
She’s heard a rumor — gee, I wonder who from — that Mr. Darcy may have been intending to propose to Lizzy and she wants to firmly stamp that shit out.
But our favorite obstinate, headstrong girl refuses to confirm nor deny the charges laid against her. And moreover, she tells LCdB where she can shove her antiquated opinions.
Lady Catherine is QUITE. PUT. OUT.
Lizzy boots her ass back into the waiting carriage and probably hops on Amazon to order some new shades for Pemberley.
Later, a letter arrives from Collins, all but confirming that he’s the one who spread the rumor about Lizzy and Darcy to Lady Catherine. Mr. Bennet laughs it off — who could love DARCY of all people!?
(I repeat what I said yesterday. Dads can be soooo oblivious.)
Bingley and Darcy return to Longbourn to invite the Bennet girls out for a walk. After all, Bingley and Jane are engaged now!
Darcy and Lizzy lag behind the doe-eyed new couple, and Kitty darts off to visit Maria Lucas, leaving them alone for the first time since the incident at the inn in Lambton so many weeks ago.
Lizzy can’t help it. She must thank Darcy for his help with the Lydia Issue and Darcy tells her he felt it was his responsibility to put the matter to rest once and for all. He does not begrudge the Bennets anything, much less Lizzy. He did it for her.
Darcy can’t help it either. He still loves Lizzy. He has always loved her. And knowing she told off his aunt only make him love her more. If she still hates his guts, tell him now so that it’s final and he will stop and leave her alone forever.
Lizzy does NOT hate him. Quite the opposite, really. And, perhaps, would he consider renewing the addresses he made to her last April?
Dear reader, he does 🥰
And Lizzy now gets to tell her shocked family that she will be marrying Darcy, which is worth a realllllly good giggle, at the least.
The sisters are married to the friends in a double ceremony in the winter in Meryton. (And again with the anachronistic white gowns!)
The pastor drones on this time too, but we see each of the characters who have acted as guideposts to this moment for what they truly are.
Life, like marriage, is not to be enterprised lightly or wantonly,
It should be be undertaken reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly.
In the fear of your god (if that’s your choice!)
To foster the future, especially of our children.
To avoid hurting other people through our mistakes.
And to remember to enjoy the comfort that love and true friendship can bring.
And as they take off in their carriage, Mr. and Mrs. Darcy share a perfect first kiss — made all the sweeter because we know allllllllll the bullshit they had to go through to get there.
(Of today’s review. Y’all still have to come back tomorrow y’know, right?)
Don’t forget to click that share button to be entered in our extra awesome #25Days giveaway!
See you for round three tomorrow 😂😭