25 Days of Sense & Sensibility: Day 23 – Her Heart Shrunk Three Sizes That Day

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A lot of you have been waiting for me to take Fanny Dashwood down a notch or six and I’m gonna be real honest — I have nothing other to say than


So instead of a string of profanities (which would be funny for only about 10 seconds) I thought I’d turn to the musical stylings of Dr. Seuss and Thurl Ravenscroft for inspiration…

You’re a mean one, Fanny Dash

You really are a bitch!

You’re as friendly as a pinch, you’re as charming as an witch, Fanny Dash-wood

You’re a pimple on the face of Norland with a greasy blackhead!

You’re a monster, Fanny Dash

Your heart’s an empty black hole

Your soul is full of spiders, you’ve got vinegar in your smile, Fanny Dash-wood!

I wouldn’t hit you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half metre pole!

You’re a vile one, Fanny Dash…

You have arsenic in your thoughts

You have all the tender sweetness of a nauseous carriage horse, Fanny Dash-wood!

Given a choice between the two of you… I’d take the nauseous carriage horse!

You’re a foul cunt, Fanny Dash

You’re a nasty-wasty skank.

Your heart is full of mangled bonnets, your soul is an unreachable itch, Fanny Dash-wood…

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote:

“Fuckwit! Twat! Bitch!”

You’re so rotten, Fanny Dash

You’re the queen of penny-pinching jerks.

Your heart’s a moldy olive splotched with furry black spots!

Your life is an appalling dung heap outside a sweaty crowded ball, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, and someone steps in it and then directly on the back of your white empire waist gown!

You nauseate me, Fanny Dash

You filthy stupid cow

You’re a crooked dirty fuckwit and it’s your loss because…

You’re a three decker bitch and wanker sandwich covered in dipshit sauce!

(With truly sincere apologies to Dr. Seuss, and absolutely no offense at all meant to Harriet Walter, whom I adore and admire.)


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