There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women, but Lucy Steele? That bitch is going straight into Satan’s nostril.
Before we get started with today’s blog, I have a fun announcement to make!
If you’re anywhere near the Anaheim area between now and Dec. 23, there’s a FABULOUS musical version of Emma being put on at the Chance Theater, and they’re offering Drunk Austen fans a 20% discount on tickets! Use “AUSTEN1423” at checkout and when you get there, make sure you tell them we sent you! (That last part is not required but I get a kick out of the idea of strangers discussing us, so please proudly tell everyone that you’re a Drunk Janeite 😂)
You can also check out the music video for the show here!
Ok. To the topic at hand.
By now, you know my M.O.
I will make a case for the goodness in just about any maligned character. I literally just wrote a thesis on Willoughby. Last year I went to bat for Mary Bennet and even wrote a blog titled “In Defense Of Caroline Bingley.” If that doesn’t demonstrate something to you, then I don’t know what will. (But fuck Lydia Bennet and FUUUUUCK Amy March.)
I may have to widen my hate circle (which currently only includes Amy, Lydia, Hitler, that biiiiitch Patty Russell from high school, and Donald Trump) to include Lucy Steele, though.
She SO CLEARLY knows what the fuck is going on between Edward and Elinor and does EVERYTHING she can to carpet bomb their chances.
Now, the optimist in me wants to forgive her and remind myself that as a relatively poor woman in the 19th century, Lucy would have had few options open to her besides making a good marriage. And Edward was and extremely good match! I would have been loathe to give that up too.
And, I’d like to stare for the record that NONE of this is aimed at Imogen Stubbs, the actress who portrays Lucy in this adaption. She is a goddamn TREASURE and it takes a lot of skill to portray someone so loathsome. I’m sure she is a lovely person, who deserves nothing but the best.
BUT FUCK THAT BITCH LUCY STEELE.
So I announced yesterday on Twitter that today’s entry was going to be about Lucy Steele, and I asked y’all for your hot takes. Here are some of my faves:
I can get behind almost all of those theories and opinions. Y’all have clearly put some thought into this. And I think it’s generally accepted that Lucy is one of the worst Austen villains — she usually shows up on lists of the most vilified, along with Wickham, Mary Crawford, Aunt Norris, and Mrs. Elton. I think we respond viscerally to such a horrible person on the page or screen — there’s just not a single redeeming quality about her.
So here are all the things, in my opinion, that Lucy does in the movie which make her so goddamn UNFORGIVABLE:
1) She knows who Elinor is from the very beginning and lures her into a false sense of security by pretending to be her friend.
2) She drops this huge piece of news on Elinor about her secret engagement to Edward, then swears her to secrecy, knowing that Elinor will be distressed and unable to share the information with anyone. Also, excuse you, but being “secretly engaged” for FIVE FUCKIN YEARS is ridiculous.
3) I know he looks on you quite as his own sister.” OK WOW. THATS HOW WE GON’ PLAY?
4) THAT BULLSHIT WITH THE HANKY. THAT BITCH PURPOSEFULLY SHOWED OFF THE INITIALS LIKE KENDALL JENNER HOLDING A CAN IN A GODDAMN PEPSI COMMERCIAL AND THEN CHECKED TO MAKE SURE ELINOR SAW.
5) She then convinces Elinor to agree to go to London, where she knows Elinor will have to watch her with Edward. (And Edward will have to ignore Elinor for the sake of Lucy.) She totally watches Elinor every time someone brings up Edward too, like she’s waiting for a weakness to pounce on. Poor Elinor clearly feels so trapped.
6) That whole time in the carriage when Elinor is stuck next to Lucy droning on and on about how FAITHFUL Edward is and WHAT A GOOD MAN and oh my god I would have thrown her little bitch ass under the wheels and danced an Irish jig to the sound of the crunch. Elinor is a goddamn saint.
7) And then at the BALL when all she does is gossip with Robert Ferrars about Marianne, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE HER FRIEND. Those two jerks fucking deserve each other, I swear to god. Also that dig about not having “any special acquaintance to make his attendance worthwhile” was totally aimed at Elinor, and was so obviously fed to him by Fanny. (I’m honestly surprised that Fanny didn’t like Lucy more. Those three are goddamn pieces of WORK.)
8) You know what the best part in the WHOLE MOVIE is? (Other than every scene Alan Rickman is in, OBVIOUSLY.)
ITS WHEN FANNY BITCH SLAPS LUCY AND GRABS HER BY HER LIL PIG NOSE AND KICKS HER LYIN’ BITCH ASS OUT INTO THE STREET.
And the piece de resistance:
Lucy causes Edward, who is an honorable man, to give up his inheritance and his family connections in order to preserve her honor and marry her. AND THEN THAT LYING LITTLE HO ASS BITCH LEAVES HIM TO FUCK HIS OWN BROTHER.
Ok. That’s it. I’m done. I literally cannot raise my blood pressure any more tonight. Tune in tomorrow when I talk about puppies and rainbows and butterflies BECAUSE I AM LITERALLY ABOUT TO GO APESHIT ON A FICTIONAL CHARACTER.