Chapter the First
Delighted were we, upon arriving to our home this fine afternoon, to find a brown paper package upon the doorstep. T’was addressed to “Drunk Austen” and in a most unladylike fashion, we hardly waited a moment to open it.
Chapter the 2d
Inside the package was a book entitled “The Beautifull Cassandra” with a handwritten note affixed to the top. It expressed the writer’s wishes for great happiness in reading the contents within. We thus resolved to read it at once.
Chapter the 3d
The novel was surprisingly small, and to our shock, we were soon made aware that it was a piece of juvenilia heretofore unheard of (by us) from one Miss Jane Austen.
Chapter the 4th
Erringly content in our mistaken knowledge that we’d read everything Miss Austen had ever written, we trembled and turned pale upon hearing the news. Indeed, we were quite put out.
Chapter the 5th
(With luck, no one was around to see our great discomfort.)
Chapter the 6th
We settled down to read the youthfull masterpiece, and were soon caught up in the adventures of an irrepressibly likeable and only slightly felonious heroine named Cassandra.
Chapter the 7th
The titular heroine, upon reaching the great age of 16, steals a most wonderfull bonnet, takes a hackney ride without paying, and curtsies to many a titled man whilst travailing the streets of London alone.
Chapter the 8th
Truthfully, Cassandra’s adventures could occasionally use a copyeditor, but we will not hold that against such a young authoress. Indeed, we may adopt the fashion and simply look down upon those who do not follow in our lead.
Chapter the 9th
Accompanying Cassandra — at least upon the page — are beautifull pieces of minimalist watercolor figures by a certain Mr. Leon Steinmetz. (The gentleman is not titled but as he is a talented personage, we have no doubt he will make his fortune thusly.)
Chapter the 10th
And it is this author’s opinion that “The Beautifull Cassandra” would make a picture of perfection upon any young lady’s drawing room table.
Chapter the 11th
Truly, tho’ the novel is brief, the afterword by Ms. Claudia L. Johnson (Professor of English Literature at the prestigious colonial university of Princeton) is deeply enlightening and most marvelous in execution. Her expert opinions are worth as much to read as the novel they accompany.
Chapter the 12th
Being that it is only twelve chapters of relatively short length, and most humorous in its execution, we hereby direct you to the nearest shop where you might purchase a copy of your own, so that you too might whisper to yourself at the end:
“This is a novel well read.”