Is there anything more infuriating about this movie than the denouement where Lizzy and Darcy meet in a foggy, pre-dawn field to confess their love, and Darcy asks her again in possibly the cutest speech of all time, if she could ever love him, and Lizzy’s FUCKING answer is:
“WELL THEN, YOUR HANDS ARE COLD.”
Honest to god, I scream at my screen every time, “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!??”
What a stupid answer, I mean, really. Who’s dumb idea was that and how we take their paycheck back for it? It doesn’t even mean yes! Are we just supposed to know she means yes??????
Ok, so for today, I’d like to explore all the answers Lizzy COULD have given. (Also today is short because doing this while binging The Crown has NOT been easy and I really want to get back to it 😂)
Some of you keep telling me that all the focus on hands in this movie has to do with the director (Joe Wright) trying to make some sort of weird connection between giving your hand in marriage to someone and LITERAL HANDS. Moving beyond the absolutely imbecilic analogy that a literal toddler could have come up with in the writer’s room, I’d like to know exactly WHY having Darcy’s hands be cold is ANY sort of symbol of marriage or single-ness.
I have been single for a really long fuckin time (surprise, surprise) and let me tell you that my hands being cold have NOTHING to do with that state of being.
So here are some answers that, while still incredibly stupid, are less fucking stupid than “Well then, your hands are cold.” Please feel free to add your own favorite ideas in the comments.
Joe Wright, I beg of you: Learn. Accept. Adapt.
“I love… I love… I love you. And I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.”
- Well, seeing as how you do OWN Pemberley…
- Prove it by banging me in this wet field right now.
- Have you seen where I misplaced my CLOTHES at? I’m basically naked by Regency standards here.
- While we’re at it, you know being alone with me in a field at night is tantamount to marriage in this day and age, right?
- What’s the square root of pi?
- Do you ever think about how every hand you’ve ever shook has probably held a dick in it at some point?
- But how are you at picking out ribbons?
- Have you seen our pig’s ballz? Nothing like the learn’d pig of Norwich.
- What’s the airspeed velocity of a laden pigeon?
- Can you explain why you commissioned a giant marble bust of your own head? That seems a bit pretentious.
- Let’s discuss exactly how much you have a year.
- In the future can you ask your aunt to kindly fuck off, please?
- Ha ha, I won!
- I am unable to answer until we’ve discussed a full time hairdresser and clothing allowance.
- Thank god we never have to talk about Roy Moore again.
- Who’s tolerable now, bitchess!?
Personally, I’d go for that last one.
By the way, I’m officially more than halfway through as of today!! I’m going to celebrate by going back to The Crown now…
And now that it’s over, here’s all the rest: