Alright, here we go. As I write, this, the opening notes of the theme to the 2005 Pride and Prejudice are wafting over my computer speakers and I’m already regretting this idea.
It’s not because I don’t like this movie. In fact, I like it a lot. I think people who get snotty about this adaption’s shortcomings need to get over it and find a new fuckin hobby.
Honestly, I don’t think you can agree to watch anything 25 times in a row and not like it on some level.
But there’s a bad taste in my mouth right now, and it’s not unexpected pig balls coming down my hallway. No, you see, I don’t WANT to ruin this movie for myself. And I’m afraid this project will, in fact, ruin it.
So I’m going to lay down some ground rules for myself. Because I’m a writer by trade, my first inclination is to give myself a word count and a deadline and an ordered way of going about this project. Nope, sorry, fuck that. I’m throwing cohesion out the window. You might get 300 words in a list one day, a bunch of oddly captioned screenshots in another, or you might get a beautifully-written 10,000-word diatribe about the quality of this movie’s soundtrack. As I used to say a lot in my younger, more annoying days: You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Additionally I cannot promise to post at the same time every day. (Despite all appearances to the contrary, I do actually have a life and fitting a 2-hour+ movie into it every day is going to be a challenge in itself.) I will cuss, and I can’t promise every joke is gonna be a winner.
But I do promise to watch this damn movie 25 times between now and Dec. 25th. Happy Holidays to you!
So for Day 1, I figure what’s best to start with is a general free-association stream of thought of the entire movie. We can focus on minutiae like terrible bangs and costuming errors another day.
Oh boy. Here we go.
- Opening credits. Damn this movie is pretty. I forget how pretty it is every time.
- Unexpected livestock next to unexpected laundry. That’s a twofer.
- I never noticed this before, but why is Mary’s piano in the dining room? Shouldn’t it be in the parlor or drawing room for entertaining??
- I refuse to believe Elizabeth can hear her parent’s conversation from the porch. Mr. Bennet needs to have a talk with their contractor.
- Good heavens, PEEP-UHL!
- If you watch carefully enough, you can see little spots of color strewn throughout, the orchid Mr. Bennet is carrying, the apple Mrs. Bennet is inexplicably also carrying… I think it’s meant to break up the color palette which is best described as Bland AF.
- Much more efficient to go straight to the Meryton Ball than deal with any of that pesky plot, right?
- Why is there so much clapping? This dance is like a giant Georgian pattycake game.
- Petition to bring back the insult “poppycock”
- My favorite part of this scene is the reaction of the first person in the room to notice the Bingley party arrive on the bottom right. They way she practically runs over the man behind her to get away is nice. Clearly, she hath seen Death, and it comes in the form of Caroline Bingley.
- The room parts like the red sea for Death and her entourage.
- They see us rollin’, they hatin’
- Hello! My name is Mrs. Bennet! I’m a brood mare! I’ll sell you a daughter!
Do all English people have such excellent posture and protruding collarbones?
- I like the direction they went with this “not handsome enough to tempt me” moment. Yes, I too like to imagine Lizzy Bennet would be the type of kid that hangs out under the bleachers and eavesdrops on the cooler kids.
- This extended dancing scene took longer than the entire first act.
- OOOOH SNAP GURL
- Cool girls don’t look back at explosions, they just curtsy and walk away
- The amount of candlelight needed to light this moment under the covers makes me worry they’re going to set the house on fire.
- Honestly if Bingley had broken his ankle in the first set, he probably would have visited with Jane a lot more and they would have gotten married a lot quicker. AU FANFIC ANYONE?
- What? Why did Lizzy need THAT piece of soaking wet laundry?? And why not grab everything off the line if you knew it was going to rain????
- Muddy muddy hem y’all
- Pretty sure having your hair down in public in the Regency era meant you were a hooker or something
- They probably ate those pig balls at some point as a delicacy.
- I like to think of Lydia’s handkerchief as a metaphor for her reputation: Carelessly thrown away and ruined by a bunch of soldiers.
FEMALE CONTRADICTION DOES NOT COMPUTE. DARCY BOT HAS MALFUNCTIONED.
- Have you ever tried to take a walk about the room with someone you don’t know or like very well? It’s fuckin weird. I don’t recommend even doing it as a joke.
- Honestly Mary is my fucking favorite in this movie. She just does whatever she wants and doesn’t care what other people think. Let’s make her the heroine.
- I’ve seen this movie dozens of times and I still don’t know in this scene if Caroline says “Much more rational but rather less like a ball” or “rather less likeable.”
Fuck yeah Mary, I prefer the piano over your sisters, too.
- I don’t care what you say, this is my favorite Mr. Collins. You might even call him… exemplary.
- How weird is it that the servants have to stand there and watch the family eat?
- Do you ever think about how they had to switch out the candle sticks between shots so the heights weren’t changing all the time?
- HELLO MRS. BENNET. I SEE YOU ARE A BROOD MARE. MAY I BUY A DAUGHTER?
- SURE BUT NOT THAT ONE, WE ALREADY MADE A DEAL ON HER.
- I’LL TAKE THE NEXT CLOSEST ONE IN SIZE.
- Oh Jesus I’m only 30 minutes into this movie. I need alcohol.
- It’s not fair that Rupert Friend has prettier hair than me. And most of the women in this movie, to be honest.
- All that primping and they still couldn’t manage to fix her bangs.
- There is a disturbing lack of horse patties on the ground. You really have to appreciate Emma Thompson for being real about the horseshit in S&S.
- Did the invite say wear a white dress or is this just common knowledge???
- Although if you notice, only the young women are wearing pure white, probably in a nod to their virginal status. The older women are wearing creams and light golds. (This is how my nightmares start.)
- The terrified-for-you-but-excited-for-your-imminent-pain look Jane shoots Lizzy before she has to dance with Mr. Collins is exactly how I imagine having a sister feels.
- Literally none of the other couples are talking. So no, shut up Lizzy.
- Jeezus and then you just stop dancing in the middle of the room, inconsiderate AF.
- My favorite things about this scene: Mr. Bingley’s face. Jane’s one, obviously horrified, eye. Darcy’s elbow. Dat Collins Backward Lean. Mrs Bennet staring directly into the camera.
- I still love Mary. I can’t sing either bb. Is OK.
I like to call this this type of long tracking shot “The Sorkin.”
- Omg Caroline shut up, you look like you’re wearing your camisole.
- Omg did Collins pluck a flower out of Lizzy’s hair and then sniff it??
- Omg Mary you know you’re a bad singer, calm down bb.
- Omg I too hide out in dark corners at parties wondering why I’m not just staying at home!
- Omg the ball is finally over. About damn time.
- I knew he’s weird but the flower thing is cute. It could have been far worse.
- Her teeth are far too nice for 1813.
- You’ll never be able to convince me that he shouldn’t have asked Mary instead. He just picked the wrong sister. Though Mary deserves better.
- Mrs. Bennet’s boobs are pretty fantastically situated throughout this entire movie. I clearly need to look into getting a corset.
- Now I can’t help but notice splashes of yellow and green in the Bennet home. There’s Kitty with a yellow feather when Jane gets her letter.
- She’s barefoot on a swing in the middle of a muddy yard but the bottom of her feet are perfectly clean… I smell a set assistant.
- The older I get the more I understand why Charlotte married Mr. Collins.
- Why is there a sailboat in the yard??? I want to watch that story.
- Does Lady Catherine live in Downtown Abbey? Seriously, someone please find out if that’s the same house?
Really Lizzy? That’s what you brought that was your best? At least Charlotte put some fuckin floofy feathers in her hair.
- PLAYS LOUDER TO DRIVE IN THE POINT THAT SHE’S IGNORING YOU
- We’re at the halfway point now. Only 24.5 more days to go. I need a bottle of gin.
- (Hey maybe I’ll get hit by a bus before then. I can only hope.)
- Heh heh. Intercourse.
- All dramatic Austen scenes have to be set in the rain, overlooking some English park or garden. It’s law.
- MacFadyen blinks well. I wonder if he practiced that.
- This scene could use more extracurricular livestock.
- Why is everyone in their undergarments all the time???
EVERYTHING HAPPENS SO FAST IN THIS MOVIE.
- Let’s let our youngest daughter go to a den of vice and hope that it teaches her to calm down a little instead of oh I don’t know, BEING KIDNAPPED AT 15.
- Every time I play a drinking game to this movie, this stupid(ly beautiful) cliff scene is always a finish your drink moment.
- That is the face of a woman who knows she’s made a mistake.
- Fun Fact: The people who own this fabulous, real marble collection actually had to take Darcy’s fake marble head out of storage and put it back out on display because people were coming just to see it.
Again with the all white wardrobe?? I have access to cleaners they couldn’t have dreamt of and nothing I own looks this crisp.
- It bugs me that the actress who played Georgiana did her own piano playing in this movie. One can have TOO much talent, you know.
- RUN AWAYYYYYY
- I want more scenes at this Inn at Lambton. It looks lively AF. I’d drink with those dudes.
- Did no one in this movie ever brush their hair?
- Georgiana: “I willll go dooown with thiiis shiiip!”
- It’s like a revolving door of emotion! Sad! Angry! Sad! Calm! Sad!
- Poorly done exposition makes me laugh, and I’m laughing pretty hard right now.
- I’m so glad we no longer live in an age where being married at 15 is considered an accomplishment.
- Honestly still surprised every single time when Mr. Bennet just lets Wickham into the house without even TRYING to throw a punch.
- SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WITH ALL OF THE UNKEMPT HAIR?
Oh thank god, Bingley’s back. That means we’re almost done.
- If you’ve never spent time in Mrs. Bennet’s exact lazy on the couch pose, you’re lying.
- The ribbons? The ribbons! THE RIBBONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
- Those are some half-assed cravats, get your shit together, boys.
- Why are there so many bugs in this shot? It’s all I can focus on.
- Everyone into the kitchen… very slowly…. and calmly… so as not to disturb the wild Mr. Bingley who’s about to pounce on Jane…
- Petition to bring back “unmitigated and comprehensive ass” as a common insult
- UP POPS THE BING-LEY!
- Twenty minutes left. Oh my god what have I gotten myself into.
- Ha ha. Kitty has to listen to Mary now.
- Wait, who the fuck is that dude in the background at night?!?!
- God, those bangs are killing me.
Can you die from hatred of someone’s bangs?
- Let’s put this bang theory to the test.
- Either you love this movie for this scene, or you hate it for this scene. There is no middle ground.
- (Unlike the scene itself, where they literally meet on middle ground)
- I’ll do a trivia post later on, but I have to mention here (because I think of it every time) that the actor who played Darcy was so blind in the dawn light that the director had to stand behind the camera waving a red flag so he would know where to walk toward.
- I can’t decide whether or not I want my ideal Darcy to have chest hair, but I know for a fact that what I can see in this scene is too much.
HEY I STILL LOVE YOU.
WELL THEN. YOUR HANDS ARE COLD.
SOOOO… IS THAT LIKE A YES?
- Admittedly, this whole scene where they get Mr. Bennet’s permission is adorable and I want it to last forever.
- And now the movie would be over if we were English, but because we’re American and need an extra slice of cheese on everything, it’s the director’s cut!
- And POSSIBLY the best scene in the entire movie. At least we get a damn kiss in this movie. *cough* EmmaThompsonRobbedUs*cough*
- Oooooh you know they just did de dirt!
- Credits Roll. I’m not even going to pretend I watched, but I DID listen!
OK folks, that’s all. I’m freaking exhausted, it’s literally midnight right now, and it’s only Day One. Tune in tomorrow for Day Two: A Thorough Cataloging of Every Scene With Unnecessary Livestock.
(And now that it’s over, check out all of the posts here: