(All credit for the idea goes to The Toast. All apologies for it go to Mallory Ortberg.)

no, please continue.
i came out here, alone, for the company, obviously.
it’s going to look like i’m mad at you, but really, i’m very interested in your story.
oh please. please keep talking.

—

we’ve gone over this before, Alice.
mommy needs her alone time. and how can you tell mommy needs her alone time?
that’s right, whenever she has a bottle or a book in her hand.
look there’s a field. go play.

—

it’s fine. i mean, i guess it’s just a magazine.
uh huh… well sure… yup.
okay so let me just…
wow… how interesting.
oh look, my coffee is getting cold. i really can’t talk and drink at the same time.

—

why did you give him our book? is he going to read out loud?
Oh god. can you just– can you scoot over a little more?
bitch move the flowers.
he keeps leaning in. it’s freaking me out.
you did this to us.

—

i’m just gonna…
not.

—

really, I can do two things at once.
see, I’m smoking this cigarette, and ignoring you. that’s two things.
do you see the huge pile to be read?
it’s huge.
can you try talking to me from further away?
further.
further.
try the kitchen.

—

and then wha–
dammit. i lost my place.
no, just keep talking like it’s not important.
i think i was here.

—

yeah, i see it.
i just got really excited. it’s fine.
i’ll get to it after this chapter.
just a few more pages.

—

can you not?
you can’t even read yet.
you’re a baby.

—

-Admin R really, really likes The Toast.